Apparently I have changed in the last few months

I am not told if that is good or bad, but that my perspective has changed and I have changed. Well, serious life changes will do that to ya... don'chya know.

I wanted to move to Georgia. We remodeled the house, which was extremely stressfull. I decided to go back to college. My Mother became terminally ill. My Grandmother is my sole responsibility. College went by the wayside for now. Georgia is nothing more than a pipe dream. I became very mortal and my family and friends became very important. We decided to homeschool our children. My Mommy died and left me alone with my Grandmother. Mommy left me with an estate to administer and share with my brother. Mommy left me with some money so I could breathe easier. Suddenly... life is too short to deal with situations that just aren't meaningfull. Suddenly my life became full of details for me to track and I am overwhelmed. I have to care for my family, my children, my Grandmother, my Mother's estate and take care of my precious Nephews and work for the Psychologist and keep track of his life and consider college in the Winter. SOMETHING HAS TO GO.

So, I quit my job and I don't care. I could not give it the attention it needed and deserved and I was tired of apologizing for forgotten details. I am only one person and this was no longer meaningfull for me.

What is meaningfull to me. Caring for my Grandmother and getting the care she needs that I just can't do anymore. Forcing my Uncle to do what he is supposed to and that means I play dirty. He got his warning and he did nothing. So, now he can really see that I wasn't kidding and I DON'T PLAY NICE. I am NOT my Mother and I WON'T back down.

What is meaningfull to me? Caring for my children's education. Making sure they are in a safe environment, away from as many negative interactions with peer pressure as possible. Providing them with an interesting and more life like education. Providing them with an education that plays on their interests and strengths.

What is meaningfull to me? Spending time with my kids and truly enjoying their company, intead of feeling like they are sucking the life out of me. Making our time together meaningful and memorable. Raising them to be the children of God, not of this world and changing my parenting skills to make that happen.

What is meaningfull to me? Spending more time with my husband and making sure he feels loved and secure and that I am behind him all the way. Showing that I have our family first in my consideration. Striving to be that Proverbs 31 woman, that he can count on.

What is meaningfull to me? Spending quality time with my dear friends, who I consider part of my family. Making sure that they know that I love them and appreciate them and that I would be STUPID to leave them.

What is meaningfull to me? Going back to school and learning to do what I LOVE to do, so that in the future I can make a difference in this world.. before I leave it. I want to teach. I want to make an impact on at least ONE child's life. I want to take my "talent" and see where God leads me.

What is meaningfull to me? Dropping all the useless, meaningless, un-joyfull tasks, people, activities out of my life. Not being a doormat. Stop dancing with UGLY people. Fill my life with GOOD people. People who LIFT me up, not drag me down. Achieving the simple things I want.. even if they are slightly materialistic... a bigger home, a better and bigger vehicle, advantages for my children to learn and play, a some rewards for my husbands back breaking work.

I want to enjoy life, the people I fill it with and be always aware that in a split POOF.. it could be all gone.

More directions to go in.

I thought long and hard about exactly what areas the kids need to concentrate on. Todd is doing so well academically, that he just needs to keep moving forward in whatever interests him. Nathan, on the other hand, needs to really focus on his math and handwriting and writing and reading. By writing, I mean the process..not the mechanics. Todd probably would benefit from the Florida online Virtual School. I am gonna look into that. I decided to do a unit of Space. Turns out he could teach it to me. He doesn't need me to teach him. He just needs to be pointed in a direction. How easy is that? Slowly, I will get this figured out.

rethinking homeschool

Went to a homeschool support meeting Thursday night. Good meeting. I met lots of nice women. I felt very comfortable. I became very clear on some areas of concern and I am relieved.

For instance. I tried to do this very school like. Probably because it felt safe and familiar. Yea, well, it isn't working out so well. Todd is easy to teach and Nathan is hard. The biggest problem I am encountering is, lack of focus and seriousness. Goofing off and horsing around and the million trips to get a drink, a snack or go to the bathroom.

Another problem is workbooks. They are usefull, but I planned on using them to much. It is boring seat work and their focus goes out the window.
Workbooks have their place, but ... not so much. I am changing my plan. I am switching to Unit Studies. We will spend whatever amount of time we feel like on a particular subject of science or social studies or geography and from that I will derive their spelling, vocabulary, writing and art assignments. We are starting on the Solar System.

Another thing. I wanted school to start by 9 a.m. Yea, not working. NONE of us are functioning by 9 a.m. Matter of fact, I would still be sleeping if my husband didn't wake me. The boys are still sleeping right now and it is 9 a.m. School can start at 11 and end at 2 or 3 or whenever the spirit moves us.

Last week I was freaking out over homeschooling and the kids weren't responding as well as I wanted them to. I was PMS ing to. This week will be different.

Crap, I am just a wreck.

I am so messed up. I am so filled with grief, I can't even see straight. I am falling into depression.. despite my magic Prozac. Todd was so cute, he wanted to make sure I wasn't gonna go Andrea Yates on him and drown the kids. Hahaha. He was trying to make me laugh. I wish they WERE in school now. Then I could come home and hide every day. I just sent a letter to my boss the Psychologist. He aught to just loved reading my emotions. :) He will, he is so good to me. He won't let me work. I wanted to come back this week, but he said no. Week three is the worst, he said. Looks like he was right. Mom's cremains at are the funeral home. I am sending Todd for them. I don't want to see them or touch them. I want him to hide them where I won't find them. Then he can give them to my brother. I can't bear it. I can barely bear any of this. I need one more paper for the lawyer and then I can start the Probate process. I am putting that off too. I don't want to face anymore. I have to work on Mom's house. I don't want to do that too.
I just want to crawl into bed and stay there untill it all goes away. Problem is, it won't go away. Not untill I take care of it.

doubts and sadness

Yesterday was the first day of Homeschool. We did pretty well. Tj is easy to teach. Nathan is really difficult. He just wants to play and horse around. He is a complainer and so negative. I could have choked him 10 times yesterday. But, in between he was saying how happy he was to homeschool and how much he liked it. So, my Mom. They loved the Clay class at the art studio. That was a bonus.

By the end of the day, though, my mood was shot. My nerves were shot and I was just so through being with my kids. How terrible. I felt a nasty coming on. I don't know if I am gonna get my period again, or if this is just how I am gonna be. I don't know why I thought I could handle 24/7 with my kids. I don't know what ass I had my head stuck up. I went to bed by 10.

I had a bad night of dreams. I have been dreaming about my Mom. One dream, a few days ago, was the same one I had with Lucy. Where, we were all wrong and she was still alive after all. Last nights dream, though, was much, much sadder. She was alive and dieing. She was holding me and I was crying and she was telling me what she wanted me to do with my life and how sorry she was and I was telling her how sorry I was and she told me about the secret marriage and told her it was okay. I want her back so bad. I miss her so much. I NEED my mother. This whole city is full of my mom. Everywhere I go, I feel her. We shopped the same places and she even trained dogs at the Art Studio parking lot. I had been there so many times, with her. Everywhere I go, a memory is there. I want my mommy. I want my mommy.

I want to stop feeling so sad and empty. I want to be whole again. I just want her back.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking

Honestly, did I really think this was a good idea? Good Lord, what ass did I have my head stuck up? My nerves are shot. May patience is shot. I need a good night sleep and a silent house for a good 6 hours every day! This might be good for my kids, but I don't think it is good for me!

You know what else? I got to many dogs. One of those dogs is mouthy and loud! The dogs bark over every noise they hear. The barking is crazy! It is wearing on my nerves. I am constantly tripping over a dog too. That is getting old, real fast.

Time just keeps marching on

and it is dragging me with it. Everyday is getting a little bit easier, but then again... I haven't been back to the house in a few days. I am avoiding it. I miss my Mom so much. I cry so easily. I want to call her and talk to her. I keep reliving our last conversations and moments and then the time when I found her. It hurts. This hurt is something I have never felt and I don't like it.

I must be coming out of my slump, though. Thanks to my Prozac. Whoever invented that needs to be sainted! Anyway, I am coming out of my slump. Yesterday, I finally go the ambition to shovel out the boys' bedroom. That took a long time.

Then I moved on to putting the school room together. I am decorating the walls and getting ready for the kitchen table to get moved in. Still have more work to do in there, but it is taking shape! I am still panicking about homeschooling. I think I may have lost my mind! LOL Yet, last night I sat down with those tourist magazine coupon booklets that you pick up at area restaurants. I cut out all the interesting places that we can do field trips with and I cut out coupons to go with it. One trip that I can't wait to do is the Babcock Ranch. Anyway, now we are trying to come up with a name for our homeschool. Our motto is "The whole world is our classroom". We need a name though. I also have to set down and write up a lesson plan for the first week. Some kind of plan to follow. Some kind of structure! I can't just willy nilly this. When I am done writing this, I am going to sign them up for Art and Music classes in the community. I also have to figure out when service is at the church I am considering and then find out what all they offer to the kids. So much to do. So little ambition.