Heavy sigh

My Mom died last week on the 19th. I found her. It was horrible. She was slumped over her wheelchair and she had been sitting on the toilett. Thankfully she had on her shorts. I don't know if she got to go or not. She was cold and stiff. It was so horrible to find my Mommy that way. She must have died suddenly. The evening before she was in pain and she complained of not being able to breathe real well. She used her inhalor and took her pain pills and I left her on the couch. I couldn't kiss her goodbye, because if I went near her the dogs would have been all over her. She didn't want them near her at that moment. So, I fed them and called out I love you and left. That was it. She was getting therapy help and she was looking hopefull to maybe getting her strength back and maybe being able to stand and walk a little. We went shopping the afternoon before. She bought things she needed. She did not think she was gonna die that night or even next week. She must have had a heart attack, right there in the bathroom. Hopefully that is the case, because then she would have not been to aware of it. The Lord has softened the sharp edges of my finding her. It hurts less, with less guilt and worry. I feel bad for her service dogs who had to spend the whole night, unable to get to her and unable to help her. Amazingly, they have adjusted well. I am improving. Some moments are better than others. I feel numb most of the time. I feel this urge to continue on with life. I have to. I also am left holding the bag of caring for Nana. That is some serious stress. She currently thinks she is 67 and it is HER mother that has died. Sometimes I think she believes I am MY mother. Last night she talked with my brother as if he was Mom's cousin. I feel sorry for my mom. Her own mother can't even mourn her death. I know their last conversation was horrible. Mom told me about while we were out. It broke her heart. She felt so unloved. We are going through her stuff and that isn't as hard as I thought it would be. It just boils down to STUFF. ALOT OF STUFF. Ahhhhhhhh but some of the stuff is mysterious and some of it is heartbreaking. She led a hard and unhappy life. She made bad choices and she reaped what she sowed. We made peace and I am so gratefull, but I am ashamed to be part of that hard and unhappy life. I could have made better choices with our relationship and I chose to be bitter and angry and difficult. But, in the very end ... we made peace and I made clear how much I loved her and she made it clear how much she loved me. I miss her so much. I did not get enough time with my "new" mom. I want her back. I want her back so much and so bad that it takes my breathe away and hot tears slide down my face. I had a nightmare last night and I hope I don't have another tonight. I sleep, but not well and I am so tired. My schedule is all blown and I haven't hardly taken my medicine and I can FEEL it. That is not good for me or anyone else. My brother is here and I feel guilty. He wanted to come to help me clean out the house and meet with the lawyers and I know he was looking for the money she had in the freezer. There was enough left to bury her, that is all. The house is ours to sell, eventually. I feel guilt because I am trying to juggle moving on with life and cleaning out her house and I know we have not made the headway he wants. Today, he told me that time was ticking away. I don't want to rush my way through Mom's house. I also don't want to live it. I have children who need something to do and a schoolroom to put together and curriculum to find and planning to write. School starts on August 8th and I intend to begin then. I realize that as a homeschooler, I can start and stop as I see fit.. but for my children's sake.. I need to stay on the schedule they are used to. I have my own house to care for and pack and clean too. My grandmother to amuse and visit with.
So, anyway. I feel guilty. He took a week off from work, that is financially strapping him. He came down for a purpose and not doing it is a waste of his time. He could be back home working. Anyway.. he smokes and I have not told him not to around me. So, now, between the dog hair and dust in Mom's house and car and his smoking... my asthma is full up and I feel chunky in my lungs. I guarentee I will be at the doctor next week. Bonus, stress makes me lose weight and I have lost 5 more pounds. ")
However, it makes my face break out and I look like I have some freaky disease. LOL Heavy sigh. I so wish I could talk to Mom. I miss her so much. My Nana will be next you know. At least Mom got to go somewhere without her mother dragging her along. LOL It will be a relief when Nana goes though. That sounds horrible, but she wants to die and her mind is so rapidly deteriating and she is aware of it. Her lungs are awful and she is on oxygen. She has no quality to her life. Just quantity. I will miss her even more than Mom, though. I am so close to my Nana. She was the mother my mom couldn't always be. hmmm.. if I am lucky .. which I am not ... maybe my brother will find and I won't have to. I don't need anymore of those images in my head. Okay, I will stop now. This post is incredibly depressing. Gee, I wonder why.. O:

Getting started

I called the school district's homeschooling teacher and she is sending me a packet with all the need to know stuff. I found the ONE support group for my area.. it seems. Everyone else I saw was for other cities just to far away for me to consider. Then I found a decent Homeschooling forum and I found many great links to places on line for curriculum and free printables. The wealth of information out there is just overwhelming.
Then I went pricing curriculum, like Saxon and HOLY SHIT... I can't afford that. I will be making it up on my own for awhile.

My needs list is staring to seriously grow. I need to get it down on paper. Todd's education is a little more complicated than Nathan's.. simply because of his grade. I need a world map. I need a globe. I need a dry erase board and a chalk board. I need things I don't even know I need yet. LOL

I need to write a schedule. I need to write a few weeks of lesson plans and field trips. I need to find out what classes are out in the community that we can use. I need to take a deep breathe.

We will be homeschooling this year

That was such a tough decision, even tougher for my husband. However, in the end, he understands and agrees with the reasons and stands with me to educate our children at home. He is very worried that I will lose focus and won't stick with it, which is better than worrying about my ability to teach the kids.

I am excited. I am scared. One moment, I am calm and confident and the next moment, I am paniced and doubtfull. It doesn't help that I have virtually no support among my circle. They all think I have gone off the deep end. I probably have. Who would have ever said, that Laurie would CHOOSE to spend 24 hours a day with her kids? No one, EVER, would have thunk it even. NEVER. Yet, here I am, putting aside my selfishness to keep my son from the horrible experience of Middle School.

I am so scared. I don't want to mess this up. My mind is reeling with all the educational possibilities. So much to teach these boys. What if I miss something?
What if I can't find a choir and art lessons for Todd. I don't want his talent to waste away. What if Nathan doesn't get enough socialization. He is such a people person. I don't want to get isolated here.

Only, I have to remember that the whole world is their classroom now. The whole world is open to them to explore and use. I think I will see if we can make our own shirts... maybe they could say that on the back. "The whole world is my classroom" and on the front, in small letters over the left breast..."Homeschooler"

I will probably feel more confident as I explore the community and what it has to offer. I will probably feel more confident if I can find the homeschool group here in the county. I will probably feel more confident if I can drag my arse to church and get my kids in a youth group. I will probably feel more confident once we start school in August.

I hope the Lord is behind me on this. I think he is, because he softened my husband's heart on the subject. I think he is because my neighbor laid hands and prayed with me and I walked away feeling tingly and it gave me the courage to tell my Mom and she didn't freak out as bad as I thought she would. I hope the Lord is with me on this, because he is gonna need to carry me for awhile.

I wish my mind would quit. It is so noisy in there. Ideas and thoughts and to do's are just running rampant. Then the fears tromp through and they make an even bigger mess. This whole undertaking is consuming me. This is probably what happens during a teacher's first year. I have read about that. That the first year is consuming and life as you knew it, is over.

If all goes well, my children will benefit from a better and more relaxed education. They will have more positive peer interactions and that will build their self-esteem and confidence. I hope it will improve their behaviour, as well.

If all goes well, I will learn to be more cheduled and constructive. That I will be more patient and less critical of my children. I hope it will improve my relationship with them.

okay, off to bed. Maybe my head will be quiet now.

Coronary time

My children and my lack of patience is leading to my coronary time here.
I have allowed my children to have too much free time. When I ask them to work, they whine and complain and then ask when they get a break!!! They do the job half-assed just to get it done in a hurry and then grumble and throw me dirty looks when I make them do it again. The little one tells me it is too much, he can't do it on his own.. whine whine whine. BALASTIC I tell ya! Lazy children I have created. I have let them HAVE free time, instead of EARNING free time.

Personality challenge

***Your Five Factor Personality Profile***
Extroversion:
You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is low.You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable.You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea.While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.
The Five Factor Personality Testhttp://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/

Yard work is theraputic

I love gardening. I grew up on it. Nana is a Master Gardener and Mom was a florist and a terrific horticulturalist. Mom had a green house and I played in the dirt all the time. Gardening is in my blood. Unfortunatly, in the last couple of years, I got away from it and the yard certainly shows it. So, now I have to re-do the landscaping. The house has to curb appeal, in order to help sell itself.

Despite the heat, I have been out everyday doing something in the yard. I have bushes to cut and weeds to pull and garden beds to reclaim and brick out and mulch again. I have plants to root and seeds to germinate. The fire ants are not to happy with my business. They have been forced to rebuild homes over and over again. Wait untill I come out with the ant killer. That will solve their problem. LOL

Today I finished the weed wacking. What a hard job that is. I still feel like my arms and hands are vibrating. Tough to type, when the fingers are numb. Weed wacking his good physical labor though. I sweated buckets and move my body. My mind was free to wander a bit and every weed I destroyed became a dead worry. That feels so good.

Slowly, every day, I will reclaim my gardens. I will enjoy the strenous activity and I will visit with my maker. While I garden, I feel my worries drift away. I work them into the dirt and I let them go.

What is in my purse? What isn't in there? :)

So, Amber challanges us to spill our purse. Well, my friend, what isn't in my purse? :) I cleaned the purse out before I went out today and I took out

• a small legal pad
• a puppy made of sea shells
• a half eaten Skippy Peanut Butter Bar
• 4 dollars and change
• odd trash
• a massive amount of shopping receipts

I left behind the wallet, my calendar, my office book. These are large items, mind ya. Then there are some toys in the bottom, because I have kids. I also carry my Albuteral Inhalor. I never know when I may have an Asthma attack. I also have a compact and lipstick in the purse. What else? My ear piece for my cell phone, 2 schedules for the plays at the theatre we were at today, my car keys and for some strange reason... my mail. I have a phone bill you can pay. :) So, that is the contents of my purse. As you can imagine.. I carry a big purse. Compliments of my dear friend Michele. I love my purse. I could carry a small dog in it. :)

Someone lit the light at the end of the tunnel

Just as was about to give up and stay here, my husband decides that we should sell buy owner and save the commission money .. that way we can lower the sale price and not be so hard hit. We have to lower our profit expectations because the prices are not anywhere near what they were last year. He reminded me of the goal and we can still do it on less money. We have to make that step out of here and into a rental with money in the bank to support us as we work on our credit. Very important and we can't do that in this house, living paycheck to paycheck. So, even though I am not crazy about selling by ourselves, the means justify the ends. So, he lit the light at the end of tunnel. Now, I just have to keep praying.