Heavy sigh

My Mom died last week on the 19th. I found her. It was horrible. She was slumped over her wheelchair and she had been sitting on the toilett. Thankfully she had on her shorts. I don't know if she got to go or not. She was cold and stiff. It was so horrible to find my Mommy that way. She must have died suddenly. The evening before she was in pain and she complained of not being able to breathe real well. She used her inhalor and took her pain pills and I left her on the couch. I couldn't kiss her goodbye, because if I went near her the dogs would have been all over her. She didn't want them near her at that moment. So, I fed them and called out I love you and left. That was it. She was getting therapy help and she was looking hopefull to maybe getting her strength back and maybe being able to stand and walk a little. We went shopping the afternoon before. She bought things she needed. She did not think she was gonna die that night or even next week. She must have had a heart attack, right there in the bathroom. Hopefully that is the case, because then she would have not been to aware of it. The Lord has softened the sharp edges of my finding her. It hurts less, with less guilt and worry. I feel bad for her service dogs who had to spend the whole night, unable to get to her and unable to help her. Amazingly, they have adjusted well. I am improving. Some moments are better than others. I feel numb most of the time. I feel this urge to continue on with life. I have to. I also am left holding the bag of caring for Nana. That is some serious stress. She currently thinks she is 67 and it is HER mother that has died. Sometimes I think she believes I am MY mother. Last night she talked with my brother as if he was Mom's cousin. I feel sorry for my mom. Her own mother can't even mourn her death. I know their last conversation was horrible. Mom told me about while we were out. It broke her heart. She felt so unloved. We are going through her stuff and that isn't as hard as I thought it would be. It just boils down to STUFF. ALOT OF STUFF. Ahhhhhhhh but some of the stuff is mysterious and some of it is heartbreaking. She led a hard and unhappy life. She made bad choices and she reaped what she sowed. We made peace and I am so gratefull, but I am ashamed to be part of that hard and unhappy life. I could have made better choices with our relationship and I chose to be bitter and angry and difficult. But, in the very end ... we made peace and I made clear how much I loved her and she made it clear how much she loved me. I miss her so much. I did not get enough time with my "new" mom. I want her back. I want her back so much and so bad that it takes my breathe away and hot tears slide down my face. I had a nightmare last night and I hope I don't have another tonight. I sleep, but not well and I am so tired. My schedule is all blown and I haven't hardly taken my medicine and I can FEEL it. That is not good for me or anyone else. My brother is here and I feel guilty. He wanted to come to help me clean out the house and meet with the lawyers and I know he was looking for the money she had in the freezer. There was enough left to bury her, that is all. The house is ours to sell, eventually. I feel guilt because I am trying to juggle moving on with life and cleaning out her house and I know we have not made the headway he wants. Today, he told me that time was ticking away. I don't want to rush my way through Mom's house. I also don't want to live it. I have children who need something to do and a schoolroom to put together and curriculum to find and planning to write. School starts on August 8th and I intend to begin then. I realize that as a homeschooler, I can start and stop as I see fit.. but for my children's sake.. I need to stay on the schedule they are used to. I have my own house to care for and pack and clean too. My grandmother to amuse and visit with.
So, anyway. I feel guilty. He took a week off from work, that is financially strapping him. He came down for a purpose and not doing it is a waste of his time. He could be back home working. Anyway.. he smokes and I have not told him not to around me. So, now, between the dog hair and dust in Mom's house and car and his smoking... my asthma is full up and I feel chunky in my lungs. I guarentee I will be at the doctor next week. Bonus, stress makes me lose weight and I have lost 5 more pounds. ")
However, it makes my face break out and I look like I have some freaky disease. LOL Heavy sigh. I so wish I could talk to Mom. I miss her so much. My Nana will be next you know. At least Mom got to go somewhere without her mother dragging her along. LOL It will be a relief when Nana goes though. That sounds horrible, but she wants to die and her mind is so rapidly deteriating and she is aware of it. Her lungs are awful and she is on oxygen. She has no quality to her life. Just quantity. I will miss her even more than Mom, though. I am so close to my Nana. She was the mother my mom couldn't always be. hmmm.. if I am lucky .. which I am not ... maybe my brother will find and I won't have to. I don't need anymore of those images in my head. Okay, I will stop now. This post is incredibly depressing. Gee, I wonder why.. O: