Was it because I was born?

This is an email I just sent to my Mother. We just had another ugly fight. I am so sad and so done and I feel so small and so guilty and but I know I am not crazy and I don't make this shit up and I know I am right and I know I deserve and have always deserved to be treated better. I have tried to accept her for who she is and tried to work around her and make excuses for her. I have spent years doubting myself and my feelings and letting what she thinks define who I am and in the last two years, I have just grown up and I put on my big girl panties and fought back. So, I "win" the battle by leaving, but I "lose" because now I have no Mommy. Soon, I will have no Nanny and my Daddy is dead and my real Dad is drinking himself to death. So, what did I do wrong the first time around, to get all this? Was it because I was born? Just because I came at the wrong time? I swear she has always resented me. I know I was a tough child to parent. All willfill and arguementative, but for God's sake.. there had to be a better way to raise me, treat me, love me, work with me. She had a lousy example, so she she kept right on. I had a lousy example, but I have made sure not to follow suit. Why couldn't she? So, over the years resentment and lack of respect has grown and eaten away at our relationship and hatred has worked its way in and there is no turning back. She says I am a user and I am selfish and a trouble maker and a liar, oh and lets not forget a lousy mother and I have no business having kids. I say she is selfish and a twister of words and she is a lousy mother. Looks like we are more alike than different, if what we both says is true.

Dear Mom,
It is painfully obvious that you and I are never gonna get along or make either one of us happy.

We have no respect for each other and I doubt there is any coming back from that.

I am tired of wasting energy on anger and tears.

Our problems have been going on for twenty years and it gets worse every passing year.

I will email you Nana's doctor appts that I can't do, because of job restrictions or Todd jr's weekly doctor appt. I will talk with you about her diagnosis and her future.

I am really really really hurt that it angers you so much that my Grandmother paid for something for me. You made it perfectly clear that I am not worth it, which I suppose makes us even.

I will not forsake you when you get as old and sick as she is. I am NOT as cold and selfish as you THINK I am.

Goodbye

Message for Shiela

Shiela, I can't leave a messag on your blog, so I hope you stroll through mine and catch this.
I commend you for your renewed vigor in searching out the Lord. Please do not lose sight of yourself or others.
If the MB you are at are not providing you with the focus on GOD, then you MUST leave, but don't burn your bridges.
MB are for people to share their daily lives, good and bad and it should be all about them.
In order to to have fellowship, you must share the selfishness of peoples lives and what is going on in them.
I do notice that you don't share anything of substance of your life. I will not wander through the ideas of why, but you should.
God is weaved in and out of our lives and people share all of it.
There should be no disgust in it.
I wish you luck on your path.

I am losing my mind over this kid

My beautiful son. The smart one with high IQ and all the musical and artistic talant... my son....

IS HE GONNA MAKE IT TO ADULTHOOD?

The boy has some serious issues with frustration, anger, self-control and getting along with irritating and assinine people.

Somehow I gotta teach this boy tolerance, patience and the ability to walk away BEFORE he loses it and smacks people around.

Been awhile

It has been awhile. I got freaked out about being stalked and decided laying it out for the world to find here.. didn't set to well with me.
Then I got busy with Christmas and the Holidays and working and now Nana and her millions of doctor appts. and then my own families appts and needs. HMMPH.. it is a wonder I don't have a DIRTIER house.

This house is horrible. I was getting good. I was keeping up in it. I was packing. :) big smile. But, discovered I had nowhere to go with those boxes. So, I quit.

I let my schedule got to hell. I stopped using it and following it and now my time is wasted and scattered and worn out with all that I have to take care of. I need to use it, starting NOW.

I did some purging of the laundry. 4 trash bags of laundry.. GONE. I need to purge more. I lost ambition.

I am such a starter and stopper. Getting nowhere in a hurry.

Been listening to nothing but Christian music on the radio for like two weeks now, maybe. Uplifting and encouraging music. Love it. The kids are starting to recognize the songs and are learning the words to some. COOL.

Doing alot of yawning here. Must go to bed.