Set backs, detours and closed roads

I have a migraine, so I am not in the best mood. I am also in a bad mood because my dreams are slipping away. Where I thought the Lord was showing me the way to Georgia, it abruptly became clear that it is a no go. My Mother is terminally and physically ill. My Grandmother is on borrowed time. I can't leave untill those two situations resolve themselves. THEN, the housing market has really, really crashed here. The housing market has a glut of homes and it has turned into a buyers market, not a sellers. That in turn makes prices fall in a big way. Interest rates are up to 8%, so that hurts buyers. Rental fees are going up, because people are priced out of homes, but still need a place to live. Then to top it all off, the local builder here is offereing a brand new home with the lot for $199,900. A 3/2 brand new home with sprinklers and hurricane shutters for the same amount I MIGHT be able to sell this old wood frame home for. I am SCREWED. I can sell the house, but only for way less than we planned and then we would have to rent for probably longer than we had planned because of my Matriarchs health and that will suck up alot of the money because rentals have done up. I end up in Georgia with very little money left. Not how we wanted it to be.

The alternative is becoming clear and I don't like it. We put just about $7,000 of debt into the house to sell it..and now we are stuck with it. If we don't sell, we can't get a new car. The one I own is just about to DIE. Our dental work is extensive and won't get done. I spend more years in this forsaken state and continue to pay through the nose to insure my home. I put off college too, so I could be available to my Mom. But, I probably will have to get another night job to pay off the debt to my Father In Law.

I know God has a plan and all that. I am trying to go with it, but just like a child.. I need to have the tantrum because I am NOT GETTING MY OWN WAY.


If I leave my pity party and get off my high horse... maybe I could see my blessings again and appreciate what I have instead of wanting what I can't get.

Hinkey.. I like that word

Hinkey. That is a fun word. Abby from NCIS uses it. I like it and I like Abby. Hinkey and Snarky and Wonky. Do you make up words?

Did you know that I am a music fruit. That is a another made up word from Madison. Fruit means nut, as in nutty nutcase. LOL I use that word fruit alot. So, anyway.. I am a music fruit. So is my husband and we are creating little fruitloops in our kids. Sniggle. That is another made up word of mine. It is a snort and a giggle put together. I do that alot at 1 a.m. when I am trash picking and I yawn and snort and then I giggle because it sounds so funny and tickles my throat. Oh yea, anyway.... We have 5 guitars in this house. 3 accustics and 2 electric each with its own amp. Only 4 people in this house and only 1 can play sorta. LOL but we all love to dink around with the guitars. Dink.. there is another word someone I know used. We dink around with the sounds the guitars make. Apparently children who play an instrument do better in math and are overall more disciplined than those who don't play an instrument. How someone figured this out is beyond me, but .... I think it is flawed. I played piano and guitar as a kid... and I failed math. So, not only did I do poorly in math.. I have forgotten more music than I think I ever learned. LOL.

Here is a funny... when my son was little he was dancing around in one spot and asked him if he had to go potty? He said no, of course. I naturally told him I thought he did need to go because he was doing the pee pee dance. This isn't the pee pee dance, I took it from the pee pee dance and put it into my dance. SMART ASS. LOL.

Okay, so have a nice day.

overwhelmed again

Started to get my house in order and then all hell broke lose and then this weekend the men tore out the bottom of my kitchen. Now I have stuff everywhere and no room to move. The kitchen has no countertop, no sink, no dishwasher, no doors on the cabinets and I can't put everything back because the cabinets are not screwed to the wall. The countertop arrives on Friday and that seems like forever from now! Pots and pans are in the spare room, the cleaning products are in a box in the dining room. I can't find the kitchen table. The pool table is in the spare room, which had just enough room to hold it. The garage is starting to empty out enough that the men will be able to work in there next. In the meantime, I am being strangled by my stuff that is all out of place and being stuffed into places it shouldn't at in the first place. ARRRRGGGG. Drive me crazy.

I stopped taking the Prozac, like I always do. A week off makes a difference.. LOL ask anyone. LOL

Okay, enough whining.

20 questions....

20 Questions
1. What is your middle name? Ann
2. Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? What was his/her name? His name was Denny, how wierd is that:)
3. What is one thing you did that you never told your parents about? It isn't repeatable, but it is horrible
4. What is your favorite bible verse and why? Mathew 11:29 Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light

5. If you could trade places with one of your friends for a day, who would it be? Why? I wouldn't. I don't really want to be anyone else but me.
6. Where would you shop if there was not a Walmart? Perish the thought~! Probably more thrift stores and garage sales and Target of course.
7. How many times do you go to the grocery store in a week? 2-3 times a week at least
8. If money was no object, what type of home would you live in, and where? 5 bedrooms on at least an acre of somewhat wooded lot in Georgia
9. What is your favorite quick breakfast? Bacon
10. How many books have you read this year? Impossible to count. I am a verocious reader.
11. Do you share every aspect of your life with your nearest and dearest friend, or do you keep some in reserve? My nearest and dearest friend gets it all. God love her.
12. How do you like your coffee? Holding the spoon up. :) sniggle. With two sugars.
13. Do you drink your cold drinks with ice/ or no ice? Ice
14. Tanning oil, Sunscreen, or long sleeve shirt and hat? Sunscreen and a hat
15. Your favorite : Drizzle,Light rain, strong thunderstorms, or hurricanes? HMMM... Thunderstorms and low threat hurricanes.
16. What do you do to "wind" down in the evenings? Watch pre-recorded tv with my husband or listen to music with him
17. What is your "life song" that would describe your life right now? NUMB
18. If your life was a novel what would be the title? When will she break?
19. Would you rather be a public speaker, or an usher? Public Speaker
20. Do you go to a hair stylist and if so how much do you spend? I willingly spend $28 on a hair cut with a very very very good stylist.

Preservation of real life moments

That is what immenant death looks like. Just hours before I put my Lucy down. My boys are saying goodbye.
Depressing. So why did I take that photo? Because I wanted to remember her right up to the bitter end. Not a nice memory, but I need it. I needed to remember the love and the pain and devotion. In 5 years, I won't cry anymore. But this photo is a TRUE moment in life. It will speak volumes to the next generation who will look at it.

I found a daily diary my Grandfather had. It was filled with incedentals and comments. It was exciting, but it was every day life. I keep pocket calanders in my purse and in it I write all our appointments and party dates and such. I think that my Grandchildren, maybe my own children will want to thumb through it and see what my daily life was really like. In my Mother's geneology research.. we found snipets of information of our ancestors and I wish we had stuff like calanders and diaries and meaningfull photos to really get a feel of what those people were really like.

As scrapbookers, we aim to preserve as many memories as we can. Sometimes it is just only holidays and birthdays and vacations. But, it should be feelings and highs and lows as well. I am so bad, that I even have a photo of a baby Nathan, all of MAYBE one, naked in the ER being diagnosed with Pneumonia. I mean really... but the picture above.. that one takes the prize.

Summer Memories Challenge

Theme: Summer memories 1. What is your most treasured Summer memory from growing up? 2. What do you do or have you done to try to rekindle that? 3. What is your favorite Summer activity now that you are grown up?



Well now, this is a challenge for me. Living in Florida, Summer is everyday of the year basically. When we first moved to Florida, we lived on Fort Myers Beach for the summer. We rented a cottage on the beach. LOVED IT. We never went back North that year. So for the next 10 years, we spent every available Sunday at Sanibel, Captiva and Bunch Beach. As a child that was just heavenly. I am all grown up now and I hate sand, but I still like the beach. I take my children once in awhile, but they would love to go all the time.

AMEN

Thank the Lord for even our darkest hours. Good news from the radiation Dr., Mom is terminal, but not as terminal as we first thought. Radiation can shrink most of the tumors and get rid of some. As new ones pop up, they treat those and they keep it up untill the cancer spreads to a vital organ. So, the GOOD NEWS IS, I GET TO KEEP MY MOTHER AWHILE LONGER!
The bad news is that the Sarcoidosis is what is attacking her spine and legs. She will most likely end up in a wheel chair before it decides to move on or go into remission. BUT, SHE WILL LIVE.

The Lord put me through a test and brought us together again. I realize now, that the relationship we had HAS to change. It is as much my fault as hers. I need to honor my mother and let it go. I realized that I need her and I want her. I would be truly lost without her. This test can make us both better people to each other. It is for the good. Bless the Lord for the test.

Praise him even when it is dark

It is so easy to praise God when life is good and my blessings are so easy to see. When life isn't blowing kisses anymore.. it is so hard to praise God for the blessings you still have.
So, I will praise the Lord for the blessings through the curses.

Praise Him for not leaving me alone.
Praise Him for sheltering me.
Praise Him for loving me, even when I am mad at Him.
Praise Him for giving me strength and courage.
Praise Him for my precious children.
Praise Him for my incredible husband.
Praise Him for placing good, sound, loving friends in my life.
Praise Him for knowing what I need and when I need it.. even if I don't agree.
Praise Him for softening my heart and hardening my resolve.

God speaks

My devotional arrived in my email this morning and this is what God had to say to me.


God will lift up your head. Moses, the leader of the Israelites, died shortly before they were to enter the land God promised them. Joshua was appointed as the next leader. Imagine how he felt, stepping into the giant shoes left by Moses. Leading people across a desert was one thing—leading the battle to take the Promised Land would be quite another.
Joshua probably felt very inadequate to the task. But that’s one of the wonders of the Bible: God chooses the weak to show his strength. God wants you to know that He can make the weakest into the strongest, the inadequate into more than adequate.
The words God spoke to Joshua can be an encouragement to all of us: "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9, NLT) With God on your side, he will lift you

LIFE SUCKS

Today the doctor confirmed that if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck.. must be a duck. Another words, he is 99% sure that Mom has serious Cancer of the lung/chest and probably that is what is in the spine. Since it appears to have spread now, and because of her current state of health and pre-existing lung disease... she is NOT a canidate for Chemo therapy and it wouldn't do any good anyway. Radiation therapy will provide relief from the pain...and some extra time. He guestamates she has less than a year. My Mother has an experation date.

I cried in the office, briefly, but was reprimanded for falling apart and reminded that I need to stay strong for her. (That would be my Mother speaking) So, I sucked it up and stayed matter of fact while my Grandmother cried, while I told my friends and while I talked about life ending details with my Mother. Now it is bedtime and I can't sleep and I have been crying.

Please don't take my Mommy. I am so sorry for all the awful things I said and thought about her. I would gladly trade another 10 years of fighting for her to stay with me. It isn't fair. You are taking the wrong woman. Her Mother is old and ill and would LOVE to pass on. What about her? Why are you leaving her and taking my Mother. Don't you understand I still need a Mommy? How am I gonna get through this? How am I gonna take care of them both and me and my kids? I can't pass this test. I can't handle it all. I can't do it by myself and it is all by myself. My Uncle isn't gonna suddenly take over the care of his Mother. My Brother can't come down and spend the next year helping with Mom.
Life sucks