LIFE SUCKS

Today the doctor confirmed that if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck.. must be a duck. Another words, he is 99% sure that Mom has serious Cancer of the lung/chest and probably that is what is in the spine. Since it appears to have spread now, and because of her current state of health and pre-existing lung disease... she is NOT a canidate for Chemo therapy and it wouldn't do any good anyway. Radiation therapy will provide relief from the pain...and some extra time. He guestamates she has less than a year. My Mother has an experation date.

I cried in the office, briefly, but was reprimanded for falling apart and reminded that I need to stay strong for her. (That would be my Mother speaking) So, I sucked it up and stayed matter of fact while my Grandmother cried, while I told my friends and while I talked about life ending details with my Mother. Now it is bedtime and I can't sleep and I have been crying.

Please don't take my Mommy. I am so sorry for all the awful things I said and thought about her. I would gladly trade another 10 years of fighting for her to stay with me. It isn't fair. You are taking the wrong woman. Her Mother is old and ill and would LOVE to pass on. What about her? Why are you leaving her and taking my Mother. Don't you understand I still need a Mommy? How am I gonna get through this? How am I gonna take care of them both and me and my kids? I can't pass this test. I can't handle it all. I can't do it by myself and it is all by myself. My Uncle isn't gonna suddenly take over the care of his Mother. My Brother can't come down and spend the next year helping with Mom.
Life sucks