At the end of my faith

Please note that the following post is about pain and grief and wallowing in self-pity and being lost and without trust.

Finn died today. I knew it was coming. Just like with Lucy, I went to bed last night just KNOWING he was dieing and in the morning I would be takeing him in to be put down. Just like Elmo, he was dieing a painfull CANCEROUS death. I held Finn in my arms and sent him on to my Mom and I cried, but it wasn't the same overwhelming agony as with Lucy or Elmo. Probably because I he wasn't mine. I only got to enjoy for a short time. I think that, most likely, it is because I am just so drained and I can't feel it all so much. I am hurting and I am so sad and I am still crying, but I feel half empty on the inside. Like I am half numb to this anymore. I lost my beloved Lucy in January of 2006. My Mom died in July of 2006 and my Nana died in February 2007 and now Finn in May and to TOP IT ALL OFF.... I just found out tonight that Mom's other Service Dog, Tucker, has also passed away. That leaves Quinn, who is with my brother. She never loved that dog, so I think Quinn might be safe. :) Bad attempt at humor.

SO, when am I going to stop being punished for whatever it is I did so flipping wrong? I have been told that I am not being punished. That God has a plan and the suffering is something I should be thankfull for. Right now, I don't see it that way. I have tried to see it that way and I almost had a grasp on it, but I lost it again. I have said it before, and I will say it again, ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH.