doubts and sadness

Yesterday was the first day of Homeschool. We did pretty well. Tj is easy to teach. Nathan is really difficult. He just wants to play and horse around. He is a complainer and so negative. I could have choked him 10 times yesterday. But, in between he was saying how happy he was to homeschool and how much he liked it. So, my Mom. They loved the Clay class at the art studio. That was a bonus.

By the end of the day, though, my mood was shot. My nerves were shot and I was just so through being with my kids. How terrible. I felt a nasty coming on. I don't know if I am gonna get my period again, or if this is just how I am gonna be. I don't know why I thought I could handle 24/7 with my kids. I don't know what ass I had my head stuck up. I went to bed by 10.

I had a bad night of dreams. I have been dreaming about my Mom. One dream, a few days ago, was the same one I had with Lucy. Where, we were all wrong and she was still alive after all. Last nights dream, though, was much, much sadder. She was alive and dieing. She was holding me and I was crying and she was telling me what she wanted me to do with my life and how sorry she was and I was telling her how sorry I was and she told me about the secret marriage and told her it was okay. I want her back so bad. I miss her so much. I NEED my mother. This whole city is full of my mom. Everywhere I go, I feel her. We shopped the same places and she even trained dogs at the Art Studio parking lot. I had been there so many times, with her. Everywhere I go, a memory is there. I want my mommy. I want my mommy.

I want to stop feeling so sad and empty. I want to be whole again. I just want her back.