I am done

I am done with this blog. Let it mark the end of two tough years. A season in my life that if I could live over again, I would do entirely different. However, this season is over and new one has begun and although we all suffered, the suffering was not for nothing!

I love you Mom and Nana and I miss you so incredibly much. Everyday.

Wensday July 19th

Today is the one year anniversary of my Mom's death. I can't believe that a year has gone by allready. Still feels so much more recent. It has a been a hell of year, but I made it through in one piece. I miss her.

Today I just want to keep going. I have been very busy scrubbing walls and baseboards and cleaning. Later today I will work out in the yard. The boys have music lessons too.

My brother told me that today is just another day. That I can't miss her anymore today, than I do any other day. He is right.

To fuckin fat

Before my Mom died, I had lost a good start of weight and I was down to 228 and even my Mom had noticed and commented nicely. That made me feel so good. Then she died and I was left with alot of responsibility and grief. I quit dieting and wallowed in life and I have gained soooo much weight. I am at the highest weight I have ever been. 265 pounds is just awful. It certainly doesn't feel good. It doesn't look good. I am a lazy person and all this weight hurts my joints and feet and that makes me even lazier. I am also not very willing to give up soda and junk. THUS, the reason I am so fat. I am my own worst enemy.

BUT, I think I have reached my done point. I think. Todd and I had bought a work out machine, but we never opened it and put it in storage. We are afraid to put it up. But, since the house doesn't look like it is going to sell anytime soon, I may ask him to go ahead and put it up. I don't know. It is big and it won't be easy to move.

New state of mind

Reached a new state of mind. I decided it wasn't worth all the worrying and stress I was putting into the selling of this house. I cancelled the open house, because I truly felt it was on the wrong day ( Father's day ) and I approved the Agent's Caravan Open house. On that day, agents will come by and see the home and walk through and give their opinion on the shape and the price and makes the home fresh in their mind. I think that it is more important for them to come through, because I am paying a bonus to the buyer's agent. I feel very good about the decision. I probably drove my agent crazy, but oh well.

I have finally come to a okay spot in my mind and heart. It will take time to sell this home and it will be okay if it doesn't sell before the other contract expires. I don't think her home is going to sell either. It is summer and it is S L O O O O W in the summer. I just hope that I make it through Hurricane season. I must trust that whatever happens is okay.

In the meantime, I get to enjoy an uncluttered home. If I need something, I will have to go get it from storage. Just how it will be. The one thing I will do is get a desk for the computers. The set up I have going on right now.. aint working for us.

It feels like I gave up, but I think I just gave up on trying to make it happen MY WAY and not the LORD'S WAY. By letting go, I feel more peacefull.

Why can't I just do it the Lord's way first.... it would be so much LESS PAINFULL. :)

Hospitality

The Lord says to be hospitable to those who come to your door. The bible says that you never know if it might be the Lord in disguise or someone he sent your way that may need you.

Yesterday, I had a suprise visitor. The young girl, that was in the crew that cleaned my home, had stopped for a visit. That sounds strange, but I was friendly with her when she was cleaning my home. I liked her personality. ANYWAY.. she lives in the same nieghborhood and stopped by for a visit. She is really young and has a 2 year old daughter and a new child on the way. She is not married to the father of this child and he is considerably older than she is. We talked about that and I was able to mention what the Lord's plan was for women ( traditionally ) and so forth and so on. Good thing she is a Christian. :) She seemed kinda lost and when she left, I encouraged her to come for another visit.

In our conversation, we talked about her boyfriend and turns out he is construction and he is thinking of buying a home. He owns some duplexes and rents them out, apparently. He wants a home though. He breeds Labrador Retrievers. She took a flier home to him and hopefully he will stop by during the open house... Could I be so hopefull. Do I dare read something into this?
Did the Lord send this girl to me for either reason?

Who knows, but I was happy to get to know her and be there for her to bounce off thoughts.

HOUSE IS FOR SALE...CHEAP

Put the house up for sale a month ago and still no hits. Started at $164,900 and have allready dropped it ALOT... we are at $149,900 and I wouldn't count on it selling for even that. It is hard to watch profit, I was counting on, just dissapear. It is NOT a good feeling. That was to be our cushion for when we buy our new home... which is going to strap us but good. ( WORTH IT THOUGH )

I hate living like this. 3/4 of what we own is packed up in storage. I like not tripping over all our stuff, but I miss my stuff. The schoolroom is packed up. All the books the boys would be reading, are all packed up. The sewing stuff and crafting stuff is all packed up. I want my stuff back and in a bigger home with a place for it. LOL

We are still putting money into this home. We just replaced the whole well system and bought a new stove. Ours took a crap. I know it needs to be done to sell it, but I am gonna run out of money. I am touching up the painting and I hate to paint. I am working in the yard, which I love to do.

I am so worried that house won't sell in time to buy thehome we have a contract on. We have 90 days left. I am more worried that someone will come along and make her an offer and we lose out. She can still advertise the house. If someone else comes along with an offer, then I would have to drop the contingency of our selling and buy her house right away.. and that is something we can't do. I worried.

I am worried that I will still be in this house during the next hurricane. I don't want that. I gotta get rid of this house. I don't need a hurricane blowing away my profit.

I want so bad to get excited about the home we are wanting to buy, but for some reason I can't. I think I am scared. I was excited when we made an offer on another home and that fell through and ruined my enthousiasim. I don't want to put my heart out again. I don't trust life.
I don't trust that I will get it.

At the end of my faith

Please note that the following post is about pain and grief and wallowing in self-pity and being lost and without trust.

Finn died today. I knew it was coming. Just like with Lucy, I went to bed last night just KNOWING he was dieing and in the morning I would be takeing him in to be put down. Just like Elmo, he was dieing a painfull CANCEROUS death. I held Finn in my arms and sent him on to my Mom and I cried, but it wasn't the same overwhelming agony as with Lucy or Elmo. Probably because I he wasn't mine. I only got to enjoy for a short time. I think that, most likely, it is because I am just so drained and I can't feel it all so much. I am hurting and I am so sad and I am still crying, but I feel half empty on the inside. Like I am half numb to this anymore. I lost my beloved Lucy in January of 2006. My Mom died in July of 2006 and my Nana died in February 2007 and now Finn in May and to TOP IT ALL OFF.... I just found out tonight that Mom's other Service Dog, Tucker, has also passed away. That leaves Quinn, who is with my brother. She never loved that dog, so I think Quinn might be safe. :) Bad attempt at humor.

SO, when am I going to stop being punished for whatever it is I did so flipping wrong? I have been told that I am not being punished. That God has a plan and the suffering is something I should be thankfull for. Right now, I don't see it that way. I have tried to see it that way and I almost had a grasp on it, but I lost it again. I have said it before, and I will say it again, ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH.