Nana passed away

Nana died on Sunday, February 25th at 1:44 a.m.

The nurses called me on Saturday morning, to tell me that she was actively dieing and that I should call family. I went over at 1 p.m. and began the Death Watch. It was really hard. I cried and cried. She was dieing right before my eyes. She wasn't really concious, but she kept opening her eyes and there was no way she was seeing out them. I kissed her cheek and she smiled a little and she very lightly squeezed my hand. I know she knew I was there. I told her Jack was coming, but it would be a long while. I told her I would stay all the way to the end. When I told her that Rocky was fine and he would live with me always, I got quite a hand jerk response. Then she went unconcious. It was a rough day. It is really numbing to sit on a Death Watch. I was scared. What was gonna happen? How would she die? Would she drown in her own sputum? Would she thrash violently? Then I got really scared, because after 11 p.m. there would be no nurses on duty. Just aides. No one there to help me if any of the horrible stuff should happen. I told the Lord that I was weak. I wasn't strong. But I found out I am strong. I was left in charge of medicating her through the night, to keep her comfortable. That is overwhelming. Suddenly you are in charge of someone's comfortable death. Uncle Jack and Aunt Laura came and that made it much easier. I wasn't alone anymore. We drank lots of coffee and chatted. Uncle Jack said it felt like an Irish Wake. Funny, we are part Irish. Aunt Laura, who doesn't talk much, suddenly said, "I smell pipe smoke. I smell it. Do you?" We didn't it, but I am sure it was real. Popa smoked a pipe and I believe he was there. Then suddenly Nana was starting to choke on her sputum and I found out FAST, how strong I really am. I sat her up and barked orders to my Uncle and then had to explain what was happening to her. That her body might foreably explore the sputum and was covering her with a towel to keep her clean. He left the room, scared, under the guize of coffee. God Love him. Nana's body absorbed the sputum and the terrifying moment passed. Then after awhile, she opened her eyes. I leapt up and talked to her. I made Uncle Jack talk to her. He held her hand and asked if she was okay. He laughed a little and looked at me.. "Just fine, I am only dieing here" I see the family sarcasm gene wasn't lost on him. He told her we was there and it was okay. She turned towards his voice and then closed her eyes. He didn't think it made a difference. He didn't think she knew he was there. But, she did. I know she did. She had been waiting for him. I sat back down and I realized she was going. I held her hand and told her to go, that everyone was waiting and it was okay. She died peacefully and I thanked the Lord. I kept telling Jack, " It made all the difference. It made all the difference "

The relief that washed over me was amazing. I just kept thanking the Lord. I am so glad it is over. She is not in pain, she is not coughing. She is free at last. I love her and I miss her, but it is good that she is gone.

There are two things I learned through all this. I am strong, only because I am weak and the Lord MAKES me strong. I should trust the Lord's timing. In HIS time, not mine.